Again, an informed decision is less likely to be one that is later regretted. Every parent will agree that staying home with a child is back-breaking (and often mind-numbing) labor. Many new fathers will concede that it is much easier to go to work than to stay at home with several children. However, the greatest imbalance in efforts and contributions to a marriage can manifest once all the children are of school age. The house is now empty from 8am-3pm. The wife has 7 hours to herself, while the kids are at school, report and the husband is at work. After a few years of hard work at home, many wives may feel entitled to "kick back." The good husband however, has worked those same years, has done his 50/50 of the housework, and is still working to support the family once the kids are.
At this point, considering the essay corner he's been painted into, he is often powerless to affect any change in his own life. A husband may have been harboring delusions that once the wife was able to return to work, he would gain some flexibility to rectify some of the shortcomings in his own career (For example, changing careers or accepting a lower salary at a different firm. A man's reward for working hard and getting ahead is to become trapped into his career, and shoulder the financial burdens of a family alone. Does it pay to work hard anymore? If she stops working, she may never work again. (aka: caveat Emptor there are many debates about the merits of a stay-at-home mother. My goal here is to simply educate the man on the unseen risks he is taking when he agrees to accept 100 of the financial burden to allow his wife to stay at home.
This is the reward for today's man who works hard, makes sacrifices, plans ahead, and invests wisely. Again, this doesn't always happen. But by getting married, the man is certainly susceptible to being railroaded into this situation, because it is completely acceptable within today's accepted gender roles. Marriage can mean career slavery (aka: A good paycheck can mean career slavery). Anyone who says "Slavery is dead" clearly has not contemplated the predicament of many American fathers. Webster's defines slavery as "the state of being under the control of another person." If the husband earns enough to support both of them, he would be hard pressed to make an argument to preserve equality, and have her continue working as he does. If the wife decides to stop working, the men who have been left holding the financial bag find their options limited. They may find themselves stuck in careers they hate, or working for abusive exploitative management, working excessively long hours, working in jobs that are physically threatening, that have no growth potential, enduring prolonged commutes, etc.
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The injustices can go from bad to worse when children enter the picture. If the man can afford to carry the entire financial burden, the woman can elect to stop working. (Regardless of how the man may feel about the decision) The day the woman stops working is the day all of her past financial baggage unequivocally gets thrown onto the man's head. If the woman has racked up credit card debts, these are now his payments. If the woman has not bothered to pay off her student loans, these also become the man's responsibility.
(Stomach-churning irony the man is stuck paying for her degree, and plan she's not even working anymore!) And can the man object? Can he say, "no, bengali you made your mess, and it should not be my job to clean. You knew you wanted kids even before you met me, and you should have planned ahead." no, the payments can't be deferred until she is once again able to continue repaying them herself (Besides, that day may never come). Not if he wants to retain a clean credit rating to get a loan for their dream home. If he even suggested that she return to work to pay off her own debts, he would be chastised as bad father, endangering the welfare of his newborn. So, the responsible husband now compensates for the mother's freewheeling irresponsible past, and pays off all her debts. In yet another sick twist of irony, the husband may be paying off credit cards used to finance vacations and xmas gifts shared with previous boyfriends, etc.
(Or spending a year of their life planning it, when they could use the same time to further their career or education) However, what a man wants is really not of any concern. A wedding is no longer for the bride and groom. As today's Bridezilla gleefully reminds you, "This is my day". (Which ostensibly, gives her carte blanche to become selfish, irresponsible, and childlike) Are all women like this? A man who balks at spending his entire life savings (or going into debt for) a ring wedding exotic 5-star honeymoon can be labeled a selfish cheapskate or not a "real man". (Meanwhile, what exactly constitutes a "real woman"?) In fact, if a woman leaves a man for suggesting they try to keep their costs under control, she would have full support from everyone around her.
"She can do better than that"."Clearly, he doesn't love her". This is a sign of good self-esteem, and that she won't settle for anything less. Yet, in the same breath of this sense of entitlement, women proudly proclaim how equal independent they are. However, can you imagine if a man demanded equal treatment? For example, demanding the woman buy him a boat, and a 2 week bear hunt in Siberia as a condition of marriage? This would be viewed as absurd, yet women do it every day. Marriage is a partnership, right? Please read on, my friend.
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To add insult to injury, (a recurring theme in marriage, as you will see the man is now locked into a lifetime of insurance payments for this grossly overpriced jewelry. Contrary to popular belief, shakespeare diamonds are not rare, but their supply has been artificially manipulated ) Some men are more concerned with realizing their dream of owning a home, and/or becoming financially stable enough to begin a family. Men worry about these matters, because, ultimately, it becomes their responsibility as well. This just portends the things to come. Immediately after buying a ring, the man may be rewarded with demands of financing all or part of a lavish wedding. (Depending on the size of his bank account.) The costs of today's weddings exceed that of a house down payment. (Or in certain parts of the country, the house itself) If a man enters a marriage having saved up a down payment for his dream home, it can suddenly be snatched from right from under him. Many men may object to spending this sum of money on a one-day party.
When marriage enters the picture, double standards and financial imbalances leave responsible men to pick up the slack. (And also fix the mess she may have made). For starters, men are forced (yes, forced) to spend their hard earned savings (or take a loan) on a diamond ring. Women justify this relatively nascent ritual (spawned by a brilliant 1940's mass-brainwashing campaign launched by debeers ) by insisting a man wants to buy her a diamond. That it makes a man proud to proclaim his love and affection this way. Granted, some men may be this way, but there are plenty who seek a lifelong partnership thesis and commitment, yet have no interest in buying diamonds. What choice do these men have? To many young men, the ring/wedding is a unwelcome landmine in their journey towards adult financial stability.
many hours as their male. Despite this reality, many women come into a marriage with very little assets, and often, are saddled with substantial debt. In general, men are the ones who save and invest. Count the number of women of marrying age you know who subscribe to fortune, forbes, or Money magazine) A significant number of 20 and 30-something women spend most of their disposable income on luxury rental apartments, upscale restaurants, frequent exotic vacations, leased cars, spa treatments. Are all women like this? Could this be your future wife? Yet ironically, in the media, men are the ones who are portrayed as reckless, irresponsible spendthrifts ) * Disclaimer: For the purposes of this essay, i will be generalizing about the potential circumstances and gender roles that can plague men in today's modern marriage. What is the exception and what it the rule is open to debate. Certainly not all (or perhaps even most?) marriages end up as described. However, the aim is to simply educate men of some of the potential outcomes that exist for today's marriage and divorce.
This writing seeks to educate men about the realities of what he may be getting himself into when he marries. An informed decision is less likely to be one that is later regretted. The intent is not to dissuade men from marrying, but to encourage them in communicating frankly their concerns and expectations of marriage with their potential spouses. The aim of this writing is to also enlighten women with some of the reasons why increasing numbers of successful resume eligible unmarried men, who otherwise prefer monogamous long-term relationships, are turning their backs on marriage. Society automatically paints a stereotype on men who hesitate, delay, or elect not to marry. They are labelled as: a) womanizers who are unable to participate in a long term relationship, or b) Selfish/childish/irresponsible men who can not take care of themselves or another person. No other explanation is ever explored. The cost of proclaiming your undying love (aka: The tip of the iceberg). Except in professional sports and presidential elections, women are given the same educational and professional career opportunities as men.
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Why marriage has Become a raw deal for Men. Proboards has deleted the entire forum! Click here to post your comments! Email the author at, related links and further reading, this website is not selling anything. The intent twist of this website is to help educate men about the realities of today's modern marriage. Please pass the word. (Disclaimer: The author has never been married).